103 Days
by coldcoffeestains
Summary: "Now on day 103 she smiled the first genuine smile." An AU meeting shortly after Johanna Beckett's murder. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **Just something I've thought about for a while but finally sat down to start writing :)

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**103 Days. **

**Chapter 1. **

It was the first night she was spending together with her friends since. The first time going out to a bar, being in public, having people around her, since. Since it all happened and the life she used to know was gone. Gone, like her.

January 9th, April 22nd . 103 days. A lifetime apart but just yesterday. Unrealistic but her reality.

She was not ready. There was a reason why she took a semester off, she was not ready to face the _real world_ just yet. Living in her own world of escape was easier. Was is a good life? No. Was she happy? No. Did _she_ want her to lock herself up and shut everyone out? No. But it was the easiest – most plausible thing to do. There was no way she could just 'live on' like Rachel, one of her friends, told her.

Today she said yes as they asked her. Larissa a friend from Stanford called her and asked if she wanted to go out. She and a few other friends spend the week in New York at Larissas' aunts house to go shopping and clubbing. She hadn't seen them since before Christmas. Since _before_. She said yes because for the split of a second she thought that maybe, maybe tonight she could be normal. Feel normal – or as normal as possible for that matter.

Eying herself in the mirror she ran a hand through her hair sighing. Just a few hours with friends at a college bar. She could survive a few hours in good company. She was 19 years old she was supposed to go out and have fun. Looking herself up and down she decided that she was ready. Jeans, a black tank top and heeled boots. That had to do it. Before she left the house she threw over a cardigan and went into the living room.

"Dad? I'm going." she said as she walked over to her father. He was sitting on the couch, scotch in one hand and the remote in the other switching through the channels. He looked up for a second giving her a sad smile.

"Okay. Have fun Katie, take care." he slurred and she went over to him leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"You too, dad." she mumbled biting down on her bottom lip before she left him behind.

Too much had changed to just go back to normal. It could never be the way it used to be and for some part she felt like she did not just lose her mother, but her father as well.

/

He was going to a college bar for the third night in a row. While he loved going out and spending the night with hot girls drinking this was something he dreaded. Sober in an overcrowded room filled with drunk students taking notes, but for his book researches he was willing to take the consequences. He was already overdue and his publicist was calling him nonstop to remind him to '_do the fucking work_'. And that was his punishment for deciding to let his victim get killed after a hot night in a bar.

Pulling over a jacket he left his apartment but not before looking into into his daughters room one more time. The little four year old slept with thumb sucked between her lips. Wishing he could just spend the whole night watching her he slowly closed the door.

"Mother, I'm going. Won't be away for too long." he said after knocking on his mothers bedroom door.

"Alright, darling. Have fun and do the magic with that books of yours." Martha said cheerfully as she looked up from the script she was reading.

/

Smiling at the right comments, laughing at the right jokes, having small talk, and drinking. Most of all drinking. She had not had any alcohol in over 103 days, that was something she left for her father. But tonight she needed those drinks to somehow carry her through.

It all was wrong. Her feelings, her fake smile and that old friends she did not know anymore. She did not care about the difficult case they talked about in con law or that '_Matt and Lisa broke up again because she apparently hooked up with one of the professors_', or so they've heard. It all just seemed so unbelievably unimportant at that moment. Their laughter filled her ears and made her feel nauseous. People around her passing by, dancing, singing, having fun.

"I'll grab some fresh air." she said and rose from her chair, her fingers trembled and sweat was forming on her forehead and her heart started to beat faster. If she did not get out of here fast she would be getting a panic attack. Everyone was was starring at her, silence falling over them and she knew what they were thinking. Poor little Katie who lost her mother was finally going crazy. And while that maybe was completely true she would never admit it.

"You're alright?" Larissa asked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine." she rambled. "It's just really hot in here and I'm not used to it anymore." She tried to put a smile on her face to convince them that she was alright.

"You want me to come with you?" she asked.

"No, no, really. You have some more fun. I'll be back in a few." and with those words she stormed towards exit.

The moment the cold April night air hit her skin she felt a little bit better or at least she could breathe again. But while she did not feel the drinks before she now could tell that the last vodka was maybe one too much. She was not really drunk, but her head felt light and she had the urge to sit down. Sadly her state of intoxication was not the one her father lived in since day 22, when he just could not be strong for her anymore. While he drank to not feel she was at the point where she felt quite a lot. She was hitting that period in drunkenness where the things she did not allow herself to feel when sober could not help but be felt.

"No, no, no." she mumbled as she closed her eyes suddenly feeling the arising panic attack returning. Trying to take as deep breaths as possible she leaned against the wall of the bar that ironically was called 'The Left Behind'. For a moment she wondered why a college bar had such a name as she slid down the wall until she said on the cold and hard pavement not caring about the couple that just walked by. The thightness in her chest was getting harder to breathe through and she pressed her hands against her closed eyes until she saw colored stars behind her hurting eyelids. It was a habit she developed on day 12, just after the funeral.

"You did notice that the ground is kind of gross, didn't you?" a voice suddenly asked next to her and she could practically hear the smirk in his voice. She did not respond and instead tried to focus on her methods to calm down. She did not want to talk to anyone right now. Or ever again. It was such a wrong decision to come here tonight for more than one reason. First, obviously this nice panic attack. Second, she was drunk. And third, some annoying stranger started talking to her, while she had said panic attack and was said drunk.

"Like seriously, yesterday I saw someone urinating right next to where you're sitting right now." She heard him making some more noises to give his disguise more power.

"Just... leave me alone." she chocked trying really hard to sound normal but that is almost impossible when you have trouble getting air in your lungs.

"Honestly, you're okay?" that voice asked again, this time softer with a lot more empathy. Not knowing who that voice belonged to or how he even looked like she just chuckled dryly.

"Just peachy." she said and heard him sighing. Suddenly she felt him moving closer. Not really close so he could touch her but the shift in the air next to her made her realize that he just kneeled down next to her.

"How about you get up and we sit down there, look." she knew that voice was pointing somewhere but she did not bother looking up. "Those stairs look nice and then we can talk."

"I don't need some stranger to pour out my heart to." she grunted, feeling finally able to breathe a little.

"Okay. No talking then. But I really saw someone _relieve himself_ here yesterday, right on that wall." his voice sounded light and carefree in her ears and the way he pronounced '_relieve himself_' made her smile lightly into her knee. She knew he was not able to see or to understand but now on day 103 she smiled the first genuine smile even if it was just for a second.

Slowly she drew her hands from her eyes and pushed herself up into a standing position. Her gaze still fixed on the ground she looked up to eye the stranger. She swore her heart stopped for a second as she saw that man with the big smile and blue eyes starring hopeful at her.

"That's a lot better." he said. "By the way, I'm Rick." Holding out his hand to her she looked down at his fingers and then back at his eyes before slowly reaching out her own hand to shake his.

"I know." she mumbled. "I've read your books."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Thank you for the feedback for the first chapter. And yes, of course it wasn't a . I don't know how many chapters this story will have but there are a few more coming. I hope you enjoy.

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**Chapter 2.**

"I know." she mumbled. "I've read your books."

He could not hide his cocky grin as he answered her. "Wow, they must be really bad if they make you sit in someone elses piss." That girl just shook her head and looked down and he took the opportunity to look her over. She was young, and he doubted that she was even was old enough to legally be in that bar. But on the other hand, 90% of the people in that bar did not hit the 21 yet.

Without a doubt she was really beautiful, her long locks hanging over her shoulder hiding her face from the world.

There was something about her and he could not quite explain what is was. Maybe because she was tall or because she knew his books. Or maybe because she was mysterious and the writer in him wanted to solve her.

"Let's get over there and talk." he said and started to walk toward the stairs of the apartment house on the other side of the street.

He felt that she was not following him and he turned back around. Now she did not look on the ground, all the weakness was vanished out of her face. Arms crossed in front of her chest and lips pressed together she was starring at him.

"I don't need help." She did not yell but she sounded angry. He just shrugged his shoulder.

"Never said you did." he answered.

"And I'm sure as hell not talking about that." She awkwardly pointed to the spot where she sat just minutes ago.

"Okay. We can just talk about how great of an writer I am and about all the dreams you have about me." He turned around and walked towards his destination.

/

She rolled her eyes at him even thought he could not see her anymore. But still she followed him. Maybe because she indeed thought of him as a great writer or maybe because right now she really appreciated the distraction and just the thought about going back into the bar to her friends pained her. She could not believe that she just met her favorite author. She would never tell him.

Sitting down next to him she propped her elbows on her knees and turned her head in his direction. He mimicked her actions and smiled.

"If we don't talk about whatever just happened, can I at least get your name?" he asked and smiled at her.

"Kate"

"Hot." he stated and she rolled her eyes. She never expected him to be like..._ that_. She read before that he was different but never did she expect him to be such a... _child_. Well, maybe childish was the wrong description but she could not find another word for him right now.

"Anyways." Kate started. "What were you doing in a college bar... you're like what? 27 or something?" she asked him.

"Like 27 or something?" he quoted her. "Someone 's reading the fan pages, huh?" She raised an eyebrow at him. "Book researches."

"What's the story?" she asked a little bit too fast and too interested.

"I really don't know, yet. I have a few things in mind but I need to put the whole thing together first. " he explained and she just nodded. She eyed the bar again. _The Left Behind _was still crowded even though more people were leaving already but her friends were no where to be seen. She has not been in there in at least 20 minutes and she figured by now they knew that she was not going to come back inside.

She heard him ask something next to her but she could not make out the words. "Hm, what was that?" she asked.

He smiled again but this time it was not that cocky grin, it was a real smile. "I asked what you're doing? Are you going to college?"

Opening her mouth she closed it again. That was a really good question. "I..." Yes, what was she doing? Deciding to tell some part of the truth she answered: "I study pre-law."

"Here in New York?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, Stanford."

"Stanford? Wow. That's amazing. What are you doing in New York?" He sounded really impressed.

/

He saw her biting down on her lower lip. "Just... visiting family." Her gaze fell from his and he sensed that something about that story was not right but he would not ask any further. She still was a stranger after all.

"You need to be somewhere?" he asked as he saw her checking out her watch for the second time.

"No, just confused that you haven't made a stupid joke in over five minutes." she said.

/

She hoped that would turn this conversation away from this seriousness. Her clock told her that it just passed midnight.

Midnight. That meant one more day.

104 days.

/

"I should probably get going soon." she said after a while. For the past five minutes they were sitting in silence next to each other.

"Why?" he asked.

"First, it's getting late. Second, I'm tired. And third, I'm getting sober and am just realizing that I've spend at least 20 minutes with a complete stranger on some stairs in the middle of New York City." she explained.

_Wow, that was honest,_ he thought. Or at least the last part, the first reasons he did not really believe.

"I'm not a complete stranger. You know my books." he faked a shock and she smiled at him.

"Right. And that makes it better how? You write about killing people."

"Point taken." he confessed laughing and she just shook her head at him.

What was it about her? He could note shake that feeling off that he wanted to know more. Even thought she was stubborn and did not talk much and rolled her eyes at almost everything he said. Or maybe just because of those reasons.

"How about... and please listen out" he started. "How about I call my driver. I'm not getting researches done tonight anyway. He will be here in ten minutes and we drop you off wherever you want to?" Desperately waiting for an answer he studied her face. The way her eyebrows drew together let him know that she was actually considering his offer.

"Why would I do that?" she finally asked him. He thought about it for a second.

"Because you're tired and it's almost impossible to get a cab at this hour." he answered.

"Point taken." This time it was her turn to give in. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"I already said it, right?" He laughed about her harsh voice and called his driver.

/

Like promised it took no longer than ten minutes for the car to pull up next to them. It was a nice black town car and she felt a little intimidated as she sat in the back row together with Richard Castle giving the driver her address.

They again sat there in silence but while before she did not mind it was slightly uncomfortable now. Knowing that in just fifteen minutes she would enter reality again made the lump in her throat grow bigger.

While Richard Castle was annoying and childish and really testing her nerves he was a good distraction from everything. And, she could not deny, really attractive. Even more than on pictures she has seen in magazines.

Shaking her head for like the millionth time that night she bit down on her lip. He was an famous author and she just a 19 years old girl. Her thought could not wander that way. Could they?

He cleared his throat and she looked at him.

"How about... how about I call you and tell you about the book sometime? I mean, since I've never answered what it's gonna be about." he asked her and she had a hard time keeping her lips from slightly tugging upward.

Second genuine smile in 104 days. That made two points for him.

And that was probably the reason why she accepted his offer and wrote her number on a small piece of paper he handed her.

/

As they pulled up in front of her house she turned back to him. "Thank you." she mumbled.

"You're welcome. It was almost on the way."

"Not just that, also for getting me out of the urine." she said and he understood what she meant.

She was already out of the car when he shouted after her.

"Kate?" she turned and looked at him questioningly. "Whatever it is. It get's better. You just need to let people in." He saw the color vanishing from her face and liquid rising up behind her eyes and he wondered if he said too much.

"It's not that easy." she almost whispered before regaining her old confident standing position. "Goodnight, Castle." she said before turning her back to him and walking up the steps to the apartment house.

_Castle_, he liked it.

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**To be continued! **


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Hey everyone. Sorry for the later update. I tried to post this earlier but I was sick and couldn't really write. Anyway this is a little bit longer. I hope you enjoy. I'm sorry for mistakes. It's late and if I find them later I will correct them.

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**Chapter 3.**

The thing about distraction is that as soon as it ends, reality hits hard.

Opening the front door the first thing she heard was the TV running and the first thing she smelled was alcohol. Glancing in the living room she saw her father in a sitting position on the couch. Head leaned back against the back, eyes closed. She slowly tiptoed into the room to turn off the TV and put a blanket over her fathers sleeping body.

She tried to be as quiet as possible as she went upstairs into her room even though she knew her father would not wake up anytime soon.

Tired she fell down onto her bed, grabbing her phone out of her purse. She saw that she had three missed calls from Larissa and one text message.

_Hey, you didn't answer my calls. We can't see you outside and we want to go now. Text or call me as soon as you read this – Ris. _

The text message arrived just five minutes ago and she felt guilty that she left her friends just sitting in a bar without telling them that she went home. But honestly, she did not feel like talking to any of them anymore. That's why instead of calling she just wrote a text.

_I'm sorry, I went home, didn't feel well. _

Closing her eyes all she wanted to do was sleep for weeks. She could not remember a time she was this exhausted. Probably never. She had not had a proper night of sleep in 104 days. A few hours here and there but never did she go to bed one night and woke up the other morning without interruptions.

Not since.

Rolling onto her side she wished that for one night she could just forget. Forget that her mother was gone, forget that her father has not been sober in 82 days and forget that she seriously considered dropping out of college to be back in New York.

And again all those thoughts consumed her mind and she knew that _a good night of sleep_ was not in the picture for her right now.

Getting up she still got ready for bed. Standing in front of her mirror she noticed that her current life was really taking a toll on her. She was thin; she has always been slim but lately her clothes seemed to get bigger whenever she put them on. Consequence of permanent loss of appetite, she thought as she touched her hip bones. Her graze traveled up until she looked herself in the eyes. The dark circles were evidence for her sleep deprivation.

Sighing she walked back to her bed. Sitting down she took the picture she had on her nightstand and held it between her fingers.

Her mother was smiling and so was she. It was taken just 119 days ago. But looking at that picture she didn't recognize herself. It was Christmas and her father took that picture before dinner. She and her mother had been cooking for hours and when her father entered the kitchen they were both annoyed at first because he walked around wit the camera all day long. '_Just one more picture of my favorite girls_' he said. And then they both started laughing because that was what he said before every picture he took.

She could not stop the tears that streamed down her face nor the sob that escaped her throat. It was her routine. Throughout the day she tried to be strong – or at least she tried not to cry. And then at night she started reflecting. Reflecting everything that changed and everything that would never be the same again.

"Mom?" She whispered through her tears and slowly started caressing her mothers face through the picture. "It's really hard. I try – I promise. But I need you so much. I can't do this without you." She choked and brought her hand up to cover her eyes even thought no one was there to see her. No one was there to comfort her.

Yes, nights were the worst. And the only person she felt like she could talk to about her feelings was gone. In the blink of an eye. For one moment she was mad that her mother did not show up for dinner and the next moment all she wanted was to be able to hear her voice one more time. Telling her that she loved her, hear her saying '_Katie, you always get too caught up in your emotions. It will get better. I promise_.' Just one more time she wanted to feel her mothers embrace, the way her arms closed around her and her even breaths soothing her whenever she was upset. But someone took that away from her.

Putting the picture with shaking hands back on the nightstand she slowly lay down pulling the covers up over her body. Why couldn't it just be normal again? 104 days ago normal.

She could wish and pray as much as she wanted to. Nothing was going to change. This was her life now.

She reached for the book on her nightstand. No matter how tired she was sleep was not going to come, yet. Opening the book where she left off she sighed.

_Richard Castle – In A Hail Of Bullets_

She must have read the book at least half a dozen times but somehow the fact that it was his first book had a calming reaction. Thinking back on the last few hours she could not concentrate. It was still so surreal that she met Richard Castle just outside of a bar today. And even more that she spend an hour together with him.

Part of him really was an asshole, the way he was so sure of himself, acting like he could have every girl. But on the other hand, couldn't he? He might have annoyed her at first but in the end he was the first person to make her feel better in 104 days. And she did give him her number. Maybe she was just too much of a fan or emotionally unstable right now but she had trouble not liking him. Also he was the only one who stopped. While she was having a panic attack and every other person just went by starring or not even looking at her he took the time to ask if she was okay without labeling her as a psychopath. And for a short moment it made her feel almost okay.

She then read a few chapters before putting the book back down, turning out all the lights in her room. Maybe tonight she was lucky and could get a full night of sleep. Maybe tonight.

Tonight she was not lucky.

/

Six days later her phone rang. It was 3PM and she was still in bed. Or more like in bed again. It was day 110 and she had not had a good night of sleep.

"Kate Beckett" She said tiredly, sleep leaking through her voice. She had been asleep for almost two hours which added up to a total of four and a half hours today. It was one of the better days.

"Beckett? Nice name, fits you." The voice on the other side said. Confused she rolled on her back, rubbing her eyes.

"Who is there?" She asked.

"Rick" He said amused. "Rick Castle."

Shocked she sat up. Never did she imagine that he would actually call her. She thought that he put her number in a big bowl of telephone numbers he collected over the years not remembering which belonged to whom.

"Uhm, hi." She greeted him pulling her legs underneath her body. With her hands she tried to straighten out her hair even thought he could not see her.

"Is it just me or have you been asleep?" He asked her laughing. "Or, I hope you've been asleep. I'm not interrupting you and your boyfriend, am I?"

"No, you're not." She answered annoyed. "So, you found the idea for your book?" She asked remembering he told her he would call then. Excitement build up in her about the possibility to hear his new story first hand. She would never admit but those last six days her thoughts wandered to that night more often than she hoped.

"Nah, not really." He said.

"Then why exactly are you calling?" She asked him and lay back down onto her pillow.

"Just wondering how you are. Not to offend you but didn't seem too cheerfully that night." A small smile crept up on her lips. Three out of three genuine smiles caused by him.

"Well, I'm good... thank you." She said slowly. "And... you?"

"I'm just fine. Hey? What would you say if we grab a cup of coffee somewhere?" He asked. She lay still in her bed not sure how to answer him. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before answering.

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know, because I'm a famous author – a really ruggedly handsome author for that matter – and I'm pretty good company." She rolled her eyes. "And I know you're probably rolling your eyes at me right now." He continued.

She turned to her side eying his book on her nightstand.

_Richard Castle – Flowers For Your Grave_

Another one of his books she read more than once. But they helped her getting through the night when it got bad. Maybe he, the creator himself, could also help her. Part of him already did. She should probably say something, she thought.

"Okay." She breathed. "Let's get some coffee." She needed her caffeine anyway and maybe getting out of the house would do her some good. By this time of a day her father was already drunk, maybe he wasn't even home. She could not hear any sounds and he was probably at a bar right now.

"Really?!" She could hear the excitement in his voice and wondered why. She was just another girl.

/

They decided to meet up two hours later at a coffee shop just a few blocks from her. It was one of those small cafés that smelled like cheesecake when you entered it and everyone treated you like they knew you for years even though you have never been there before. The coffee was fantastic and the cupcakes even better.

He walked upstairs to wake up Alexis from her nap to play with her for a while before leaving. His mother promised to take Alexis to a puppet theater later. She wanted to get her into contact with the stage as soon as possible.

He was glad he had his mother, not just for him but also for Alexis. She needed some females in her life that did not just show up every few months to suddenly disappear again.

"Are you excited for the theater with Grams later?" He asked his daughter as he helped her change from her pajamas into a pink colored dress with little bunnies on it.

"Yes" She announced happily.

"I bet you are." He stated and could not help but start laughing. When his daughter smiled everything just felt right. "You are ready little girl, now give your old man a kiss and then we go play."

"You're not old, Daddy." She giggled and leaned forward to give his cheek a sloppy kiss before running off to her toys.

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**AN:** What did you think? I'd like to get some feedback :D

And next chapter Beckett finally tells him about her mother. How will he react? ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **I'm finally updating. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter. But first of all I want to thank you for your nice reviews. They really and truly make me happy. Thanks a lot.

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**Chapter 4.**

She entered the small coffee shop and was directly confronted with the smell of different cakes and coffee. Otherwise it was rather quiet – a few people sat around the tables talking in silence. Looking around she tried to see if he was already here. She could not see him.

"Can I help you?" The waitress asked. She was young, maybe 25 had short blonde hair and a smile that could cure cancer.

"Uhm, yes." Kate started. "I need -"

"Kate, I'm here!" She suddenly heard him yell through the building, somehow interrupting the familiar atmosphere in the room. A few people even turned around in his direction. Then she saw him; hand raised and a wide grin on his face trying to make her aware of him.

She glanced at the waitress one more time, giving her a small smile before taking off in his direction. He hits in a booth in the corner of the room that is a little bit more hidden from the views of the other people. Maybe because he was a celebrity he tried to draw less attention to him, she thought. But on the other hand he just yelled through the whole room. So much to being discrete.

Taking a seat on the other side of the table she offered him a smile. "Hey" she greeted him.

"Hi, I'm glad you could make it." he answered.

She was about to open her mouth to answer but the same waitress that approached her on her way in interrupted them. Lisa stood on a small sign that was secured on her blouse.

"What can I get you guys?" she asked. Rick looked at her.

"I'm taking a tall skim latte, two pumps of vanilla, please." she started and looked at Rick to indicate that she finished her order.

"Just coffee. Black." he smiled.

"Okay, got it? Anything else? We've got chocolate nougat cupcakes in today. They're great." Lisa said looking in between them.

Kate started to shake her head, not feeling like she could eat anything but Rick spoke up first.

"We take two, thank you very much." Lisa nodded and scribbled something down on her little notebook before leaving their table but not without flashing them one of her bright smiles.

/

He watched her from across the table. Her arms crossed on the wooden surface, her gaze finding his for a moment before falling down onto her hands. A heavy sign escaped her lips and he could not stop wondering what happened to her to make her become that person.

He might have only met her once but everyone who dared to take a serious look at her knew that whatever she had been through, or was still going through, was eating her alive. He had no explanation why she was like that or why he wanted to know what killed her or why he wanted to wipe that stone hard facade off her face. He met many girls. Beautiful girls without much of a package, without a sad past and if he wanted to he could have any of them. But something in the way her knees were drawn to her chest the night he met her, her face hiding in her hands and her ability to still spat sarcastically back at him made him want to spend more time with her. Get to know the girl under the mask.

The cleared her throat making turn his attention back to her. "How do you even know about this place?" she asked.

"I know places." he answered with a cocky grin on his face making her roll her eyes in return. Did she know how adorable that was? "And also I don't live too far."

She just nodded in return.

Lisa returned and placed their coffees and cupcakes on the table. He watched Kate directly grabbing the cup of coffee taking a big gulp, closing her eyes as the hot beverage ran down her throat. Putting the cup back on the table she quickly licked her lips.

"That good, huh?" he asked her laughing and this time she did not roll her eyes. She smiled in return.

"Best coffee I've had in a long while." she explained. After taking a sip himself he tried a piece of his cupcake. Lisa was right, it was great.

"Then you should try this," he said pointing to his plate. "That stuff is heaven."

He saw her reaching for her own cupcake. Turning it between her fingers a few times she finally pulled off the smallest piece guiding it to her mouth.

"Shouldn't you be back at Stanford? It's might been a while but as far as I remember finals are due soon." He knew that he said the wrong thing as soon as the words left his mouth. It was just a thought that suddenly came into his mind and without thinking he spilled the words. He saw her hand lowering again, her breath quicken, her eyes widen for a moment. She then pressed her eyelids together, swallowing a few times.

When she opened her eyes again he almost felt the pain radiating from her body. Her face hardened and we wondered what monsters lived under her bed and what ghosts haunted her. He wanted to apologize but opening his mouth he could not find the words that could take back the pain he caused her by his simple, yet far from simple question.

"I..." she then started. Her voice quiet and almost weak. "I... took some time off." she explained her voice getting more steady and he nodded. He was not going to ask her why. Not when she looked like was either going to run away or slap him hard across the face at any moment. He preferred the slap.

/

She was embarrassed. She should expect those question to come – she was the one who told him she went to Stanford. Why did such a simple question let all the memories float back into her?

Suddenly she was back 110 days ago and it was cold and she was mad on her way home to their apartment. She pulled the jacket closer around her body as her father tried to lighten up the mood. She could not remember what exactly he was telling her because as soon as their house got into view she knew. She knew that the police car that waited in front of the building was meant for them; she knew that something happened. She just knew.

110 days was not long ago. Not even four months. But without her mother they felt like eternity and yesterday at the same time.

"Sorry" she mumbled and tried to avoid his gaze. It was the wrong decision to come here, this was not distraction. She wanted him to crack some jokes and make her smile, since his statistic went up to four even though the last genuine smile might have been caused by the coffee.

Shaking his head he reached forward and for the quickest moment she thought he was going to touch her. She almost wished she could feel the warmth of his hand sinking into her skin. It's been too long since she felt another body comforting her. But instead he lay his hand flat on the table.

"I'm sorry. None of my business." Right, it was all her business. She wanted to say something, anything to make the dark cloud that hang over them disappear but no words left her mouth. Her teeth sank down in her lower lip. She was the one hurt but right now she just wanted to wipe that look off his face. The guilt on his face lingered like a shadow between them.

Thankfully his phone rang just in that moment. Looking on his screen a smile appeared on his face.

"I have to take that." he said.

"Go ahead." she nodded and she could just hear his part of the phone call.

_'Hey Lollipop.'_

_'What did Grams do? We're gonna have a talk about that later.'_

_'But I bet she's taking you to get ice cream.'_

_'That's what I thought.'_

'Ahhh chocolate and vanilla? Only if you also take chocolate sprinkles.'

_'Okay, deal.' _

_'Me? I'm having coffee with a friend.' _

_'Of course I'll be home later.'_

'Yes, you brush your teeth and put on your PJ's and I'm gonna tell you a story, okay?'

'With aliens

and _monsters, huh? I can do that.'_

_'I love you, too. Bye.'_

As he put down the phone she could not help but smile. Six out of six. Or were it already seven, eight? She caught herself smiling throughout a phone call a few times. She was starting to lost count.

"My daughter." he said smiling.

"I figured that much." she answered, glad that he mood lightened and some weight was lifted off her shoulders. He arched an eyebrow questioningly at her.

"I've read that you're a father. How old is she?"

"Four." That smile on his face when he talked about her was different from the others she has seen on him. Love, that was the only way to describe that expression on him.

It warmed her heart and she could not help to smile in return. Again. She wished she did not stop counting, because that were the moments that could carry her through the next night.

/

He walked her home. She tried to protest but did not do a really good job. Walking side by side in silence he steel a few glanced at her. She seemed to be lost in thoughts, her lip sinking down in her bottom lip, hands running through her hair a few times.

Until they reached her house they did not talk. She turned to him opening her mouth and closing it again like she was about to say something but did not know how.

"Can we... sit?" she swallowed and pointed to the stairs. An oddly familiar feeling creeping up in him. Not saying anything he just sat down waiting for her to sit next to him. She did.

"I feel like I owe you an explanation." she mumbled looking down at her hands.

He felt her struggle leaking out of her body and hanging in the air between them. Whatever it was, that was really hard for her.

"You don't have to explain anything. I mean, I'm here if you want to talk. But you don't have to."

She just nodded into her lap, glancing up at him for a quick second before fumbling with her fingers again.

"We went out for dinner." she then started. He drew his eyebrows together. We?

"My... my dad and I waited for two hours but she, my mom, didn't show. We thought she forgot or got caught up in a case. She is... was a lawyer." He saw the tears building up in her eyes, her breaths quickened. Anything, he wanted to do anything to comfort her. But he did not know how. Maybe listening was enough for now.

"When we came home the police already waited for us." she continued.

"What happened?" slipped out of his mouth. She turned her face in his direction. A tear ran down her face and he saw that she was struggling not to break down right in front of them.

"She was stabbed. In an alley." She put her face in her hands shaking her head. "It was almost four months ago." The tears in her voice were evident, her shoulders shaking lightly and this time he did what he wanted to do all day. Reaching out he lay his hand on her knee. His fingers curling around her tight, hoping that this slight physical contact could give her at least some comfort.

"I'm really sorry, Kate." he said.

* * *

**AN: **I thank everyone for reading and reviews are always loved.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **Hello! First of all, thank you very much for your nice comments on my last chapter. They made me really happy.

This chapter is a little bit shorter and I'm not sure if I really like it the way it is or not. Anyways, I hope that you enjoy it and I try to update as soon as possible.

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**Chapter 5.**

Laying on her back her eyes were fixed on the ceiling above her. It was dark and the only light in the room came from the city outside her window. Still fully clothed she crossed her arms behind her head.

After coming home three hours ago she found herself on top of her bed reading._ His_ book. But the book was long abandoned beside her as it got too dark to see. Now the only thing she could do was thinking back on today.

/

"_I'm really sorry, Kate." he said but all she could feel was his hand on her knee. The heat from his fingers spreading through her whole body as she tried to stop the tears. Pressing her hands into her eyes in an attempt to stop the shaking in her body; his thumb started to roam her knee. His touch was making it easier but also so much harder._

_Slowly drawing her hands off her face she sat up straight, still not ready to look at him. Slowly removing his hand she already missed the contact. Not the physical touch but the emotional connection she felt for the first time in a long time. The first time since. The first time in 110 days. _

"_The worst thing is." she started, swallowing the lump in her throat. She felt his eyes on the side of her head. "We never got an answer. No why. They said she... they said it was probably a gang. But I wish there was this one person to blame." she whispered and looked at him while she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. The tears still burning behind her eyes she locked her gaze with his. _

_She thought about telling him more. About her father, about the guilt, about not knowing what her future would bring but she already said too much. Too much for someone she did not really know. Too much, because 110 days ago was still too raw to put everything into words. Too much, because he was looking at her with those blue eyes and she could not understand how he still sat right next to her. _

"_I know you've probably heard that a million times, but if there is anything I can do-" he started. She didn't actually. Or at least most of the offers were not honest. Just platitudes you say to a person who lost someone. _

_The slight shake in his voice let her know that he was honest with her. Why? She was just another girl. _

"_No, no. But thanks." she mumbled._

"_Really? Because you just have too ask." Right, like asking is so easy. "I write a book for you, you can be the next main character of my story, if you want to. Anything." he said and she knew he was trying to make her smile._

"_Write a book about me?" she asked arching an eyebrow. _

"_Yeah, about this hot college student who solves crimes at night." He actually sounded excited about his idea. _

"_How can that be about me? I'm not solving crimes." she chuckled shaking her head. She looked at her hands. She just chuckled. After 110 days, just minutes after exposing her past. Reality. Life. _

"_First, your hot. Second, I bet you could." He flashed her one of his smiles she has already seen a few times today. "And third, you're pretty when you're smiling. I wish I could see it more often." he suddenly stated and she felt the heat rising up in her cheeks. What was he doing? _

"_Well... it's not that easy." she breathed, the smile suddenly vanished off her face. _

"_I'll make sure that you smile more often." _

"_And how are you gonna do that?"_

"_With my humor and my exceptional personality." he explained matter of factly. A short sarcastic laugh escaped her lips. "See, that's what I'm talking about."_

_/_

Biting down on her bottom lip to suppress the smile that was forming on her lips she rolled onto her stomach, hiding her face in the pillow. For the first time since her life came crushing down on her she felt alive. For the first time since she lost everything she felt like maybe something that was similar to happiness was still somewhere in the stars. Out there, waiting.

It just crossed midnight. 111 days.

/

Sitting on his couch, laptop on his legs he tried to write. It has been hours since he tucked his daughter in and told her a goodnight story. Since then he concentrated on writing. Or tried to concentrate. He could not stop his mind from drifting off every few minutes.

/

"_With my humor and my exceptional personality." he told her and her sarcastic laugh was ringing in his ears. "See, that's what I'm talking about."_

_He looked at Kate, that girl who has been through so much the past few months and still sat here right next to him, letting him make her smile. _

"_You know you're a pain in the ass, don't you?" she asked him, turning her face in his direction. He just smiled at her, locking eyes. He could see more behind those strong surface. She was so much more than just a broken girl. She was extraordinary. _

"_I should probably get inside and let you tell your daughter a goodnight story." she said running a hand through her hair. "I'm tired." she continued. _

"_Tired? It's not even seven and I woke you up when I called you." And again he spoke before thinking. He was known for speaking what was on his mind but he really needed to learn how to bite his tongue. _

"_What can I say?" she breathed and shrugged her shoulders. "Sleeping is not the easiest thing to do lately." He knew that the smile she was giving him right now was one to convince that she was okay. She wasn't though. And looking her up and down he knew that sleeping was not the only human need that she lacked of._

_Standing up and looking at him he also got up. "Goodnight, Castle." she said with a small smirk on her lips. _

"_Goodnight, Kate. I'll call you to make sure you laugh." he answered and brushed his knuckles along her arm for a second before she turned around and walked up the stairs until she disappeared behind the door letting him stand alone. _

_/_

How could six days of knowing each other made him want to write a book about her? Or more like get to know her story; unravel each page and burst down that walls she build up around herself. How come she was so different from all the other girls?

He heard the locks turn indicating that his mother came home. After she dropped off Alexis after the puppet theater she went on a blind date. Walking into the living room she let herself fall on the couch next to him.

"He wasn't as great I suppose?" he asked her raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, he was." Martha answered. "If a 75 years old guy who never even saw a Broadway play and is almost blind counts as great." she explained and reached for his beer on the table to take a sip.

"Well, that gives _blind date_ a completely new definition, don't you think?" he asked her laughing and she slightly slapped his arm.

"Anyways, how is your book going?" she asked him.

"I don't know."

"What's wrong?" The concern in her voice was evident.

"Nothing." he answered.

"Richard" she said in a warning tone. "I know you and that look on your face."

He closed his laptop and put it on the table turning to his mother. "Richard!" she exclaimed. "There is a girl!"

"A girl? What? No!" he answered. How unbelievably right she was.

"Don't lie." she said holding up a finger to him. "That's great. I knew that behind your playboy surface is another person. I see it when you're with Alexis."

Shaking his head he answered. "No."

"Yes, I'm your mother. I'm supposed to know those things. And that look there-" she pointed at his face. "I haven't seen in a long while, dear."

His mother and her wisdom. "It' just... complicated." he explained and Martha raised and eyebrow at him. "She's... amazing. But... she's been through a lot lately. And-" he breathed in and closing his eyes for a second. "And she's just 19." That's what she told him today at the coffee shop.

"Well." she said laying a hand on his shoulder. "The heart wants what the heart wants."

"But-" he protested before she interrupted him again.

"No buts."

"She hit rock bottom. I just... I want to make her laugh." he explained. Because damn, that laugh.

"Then give her time, be there for her and be your charming self." she said with a wink before squeezing his shoulder one more time.

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**AN: **Thanks so much for reading. What did you think?


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: **I'm sorry for the late update. But it's a long chapter to make up for it ;)

Thank you so much for all your lovely comments and reviews. You made my days. Thank you so very very very much. You make me so happy.

* * *

**Chapter 6. **

July 09th. Six months. 182 days. Eight missed calls. No answers. Nothing changed. One step forward, two steps back. The same damn thing. Again and again.

She hasn't moved in hours. Sitting in the corner of her room, knees pressed against her chest. Forehead pressed against her knees. Breathing in. Breathing out.

Why wasn't it getting better? She was laughing again, thinking about the future, leaving the house sometimes. She had even put on a few pounds and on rare occasions she even slept through the night. Those last 70 days she felt like her life maybe was just that. A life.

Since the evening on her steps, he kept his promise. First thing in the morning she always got a text message from him and throughout the day she received a few more. No big meaningful words but for her they meant everything. His little jokes, they were what kept her sane. And in the night the called her. Just a few minutes talking to get her mind off of her life.

On day 117, after a week of texting and talking they went for coffee again. He remembered how he liked hers and ordered before she came.

On day 125, they went out for lunch. Just hot dogs at a park bench while he watched people; researches for the book.

On day 136, they went to see a movie. It was a comedy and he hated it. She liked it.

On day 142, she saw his loft for the firs time. They ordered takeout and she listened to the ideas of his new book.

On day 156 she met his family. He invited her to join him and his daughter to the park and have dinner with them and his mother afterwards.

It was the first time in 156 days that she truly felt happy. At first she was scared, meeting his family felt like this relationship – whatever it was – was so much more than in reality.

But just after a few minutes she opened up and Alexis was a great child. She was open, carefree and happy. She could not remember a day she had laughed that much. She knew that it had to be before. Before everything.

On the way back Rick stopped at a grocery store. She did not know why but she never imagined him a cook. But he was and it was amazing. It was one of the first meals she enjoyed since. Since everything.

And his mother. She did not know how to describe Martha Rodgers. But since she walked into the loft and that older woman hugged her and told her she was 'truly stunning' she felt okay.

It was a great day and she would not change a thing. That night she slept through for the first time since. Since everything.

And now she was here again. On the ground, wishing she could just cry. But the tears she shed in the morning were long dry on her cheeks and all she felt was a stab in her chest, the inability to breath and the tightness in her stomach.

Her phone rang again. Call number nine. She knew it was him but she just could not pick up. After 182 days she was just back to day one. She ignored him all day.

When she woke up in the morning she thought she could handle the day. The six months anniversary of her mothers death. No, not death, murder. The six month anniversary of her mothers murder.

After waking up she got a text message from Rick. Instead of his usual jokes he told her in the morning he wrote '_Just call me if you need someone to talk to_'. She did not need to talk and so she did not call. She really believed that she could survive. But before she even had chance to leave the room she heard a shatter from the kitchen.

Running down she saw her father throwing bottles on the wall. He was drunk. He was _always_ drunk. She tried to make him stop but he didn't. He stormed out on her, saying that he did not want to see her face. She looked too much like her mother. The only person who understood how she felt, the only person who knew all the questions she had, walked out on her. Left her crying in the kitchen. He was supposed to be there for her. They were supposed to be there for each other. Instead everything was falling apart all over again.

Since then she hid in her room. Alone.

Her phone rang again. Why did she tell him the exact date? This time it was a text message grabbing her phone with shaking fingers she pressed 'read'.

_Kate, please answer your phone. If you don't, I'll come over. _

She felt her heart stop beating. No, no, no, no, no, how could he do this? He would not be coming over. He could not come over. Not now. Not ever. What did she get herself into?

As her phone rang just moments later she winced. The phone still in her shaking hand the lump in her throat grew bigger.

Pressing the 'accept' button she held the phone to her ear, not saying anything. She didn't trust her ability to speak at that moment. Resting her head on her knees breathing was all she could do.

"Kate-" said his concerned voice on the other side. She didn't answer.

"What happened? You were supposed to be over for lunch. I called you all day long."

Lunch, right. He invited her as a distraction for the anniversary. She thought it was a good idea. Spend time with people who seemed to care about her, not thinking that much about her mother or worrying about her father and all the liquid that was going down his throat today.

But still, she didn't answer.

"Kate? Talk to me." he insisted. She cleared her throat.

"I couldn't." she mumbled trying to sound as normal as possible which, of course, was not possible. There was a sigh on the other end and she imagined him running a hand over his face in frustration. He either acted like a twelve year old or someone much older than 27. Right now she just wanted the twelve year old. She could not handle his seriousness today.

"Listen, I know today is hard-" he started. Why did she tell him the exact date? He never forgot and since she knew him each month on the 9th he was especially careful around her.

"How about I come and pick you up?" he asked. Against her legs she shook her head.

"I really can't." It was getting painfully hard to breathe and she felt a sob raising from deep within her throat. Talking was not good. Talking made her feel.

"Yes you do, and you will. I'll be there in half an hour." The stern tone in his voice let her knew that he was being honest.

"It's late." she mumbled knowing that it was too late to try to convince him otherwise. The clock on her nightstand just crossed 9pm.

"It's not. I'll be there. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't be alone tonight."

"I-"

"Kate, listen." His voice was gentle, worry leaking through. "I'll pick you up, make you hot chocolate and order a pizza since I know you haven't eaten anything today. We don't have to talk about anything, at all. It's your choice but I'm not sitting here knowing that you're going through hell right now."

/

He saw her as he parked in front of her house. She sat there on the stairs, head in her hands, elbows resting on her knees. She didn't even look up at him. Getting out he walked around the car approaching her on the stairs.

"I really thought I had to carry you out of the house." he smirked and ran a hand lightly over her back as he sat down. She didn't even move, just shrugged her shoulders. Grabbing her elbow lightly he got up, dragging her with him. Hands falling from her face he had a chance to look at her face.

Circles under her bloodshot eyes, pale skin, hair hang messy around her face. He thought about just pulling her into his arms – taking her away from everything, making her forget everything that went wrong. But he didn't. That was a boundary he was not going to cross. Not when he knew that she was going to run.

"You certainly had better days." he said, trying to lighten up the mood.

Running her hands through her hair she looked embarrassed.

"Don't worry, you're still hot." _Beautiful_, she was still _beautiful_. The smallest smile appeared on her lips as she let him guide her to the car.

Suddenly she stopped in track turning around to face him. "What?" he asked.

"Alexis, you took Alexis with you." she said shocked and her voice wasn't as weak as it was on the telephone earlier.

"Yes." He walked around the car shrugging his shoulders.

"You shouldn't. She... it's late and Rick... you shouldn't-" she muttered, stumbling over her words making him smile slightly in return.

"Kate, Kate." he said holding his hands up in surrender. "No problem. Mother wasn't home and she already slept when I put her in the car. She won't even notice. She always loved sleeping in the car."

Kate just kept on starring biting her lower lip. "Just get in the car, it's no problem." he tried to assure her. He saw her breathing in deeply before she opened the door and slipped into the passenger seat. After securing the belt she leaned her head against the window looking out into the city.

He drove, stealing glances at her all the time. He wanted to say something, anything, to make it better. But she just sat there with closed eyes. Alexis even breaths coming from the back. How could he make it better?

/

He carried Alexis into the loft, she walked a few steps behind him. Still not understanding why she even agreed to come here she sat down on the couch while Rick tucked Alexis back into bed. She would be lying if she said that being here did not make it better.

Pulling her legs underneath her body she heard him coming back down the stairs and disappearing into the kitchen area. She was so exhausted. Leaning her head back onto the couch she closed her eyes for a moment trying to think about nothing. But instead the fact that being here really helped her calm down flooded her mind.

A shuffle next to her made her open her eyes. Rick sat down, putting two cups of what looked like hot chocolate with marshmallows on the table in front of them.

"Thanks" she mumbled taking the cup between her fingers, letting the heat from the beverage leak through her hands into her body. Even thought it was July and warm outside she was freezing. Taking a sip she let the warm liquid run down her throat.

"You want to-" he started, propping one arm up on the back of the couch, turning into her direction. She knew what he wanted to say. _Do you want to talk about it? _

"I feel like I should... but I don't know if I can." she whispered tired of lying. Tired of pretending that she was fine when she clearly wasn't. This right now was as honest as she could get.

"You can start wherever and whenever you want." he said taking a sip of his own chocolate. She nodded, more to convince herself that she could than to him. They have spend a lot of time together in the past two months. And she did talk about her mother and her father and everything – a few mentions here and there – but they never really sat down to talk about her feelings. It was just something she didn't do.

Until now.

"I feel like... I feel like for every fucking step I take forward I take at least two steps back..." she leaned back putting her hands flat on her tights. "I just... I don't even think it's because of... the anniv- because of today. I've been feeling better." she almost winced.

"I know." he said. His fingers stretching on the couch and she hoped he could just lay them on her back or her shoulder or anywhere. But he didn't.

"Did I tell you I've been planning to go back to college?" she asked, a hoarse laugh escaping her throat.

"You're going back to Stanford?" he asked with a smile.

Shaking her head she bit her lip. "No... no. I've send out my de-registration form yesterday. I can't go back there. I thought about getting a degree here."

"That sounds great. And then?"

"I don't know. Maybe I can go to police academy. Trying to give families the answers we've never got." The last part came out as a whisper. She saw a smile forming on his lips.

"Then I can really write books about you. You have no idea about all the ideas I'm just getting." She couldn't help but laugh a little. How could he always do that? Make her laugh when all she wanted was to crawl into a hole and die.

"And then today..." she continued, changing the subject. "I wish I could have one good day. And I wish my dad-" she swallowed the lump in her throat. "I wish we could be there for each other... and I'm really scared I'll also lose him if he doesn't stop drinking, and, and-" she stumbled over the words.

He then reached out his hand, laying it on top of hers, palm pressing to her back, fingers finding the space between hers, calming her in return. She took a deep breath through her mouth trying not to let his reaction on her show.

"And my mom. She always said that life didn't delivers anything that we can't handle. But... I really don't feel like that and I'm so scared-" she turned her hand underneath his pressing their palm together, holding onto him.

/

"I don't want to disappoint her." He heard the sob before he saw the tears. He knew she was trying to hold back, trying not to break down in front of him. But he also knew she was slowly losing that battle. Pulling her closer he he lay his arm around her shoulder, guiding her head to his chest in an effort to comfort her. For a man who lived off his words he surely lacked right now.

He was just glad that she did not pull away right away as he thought she would. Instead her hand came to rest on his forearm, her nails digging into his skin. Part of him was breaking but the other part was just glad that she finally let him see some emotions.

For several minutes he held her until she moved away from him, but her hand kept on holding his arm. She yawned.

"You tired?"

"Yeah." she breathed not looking at him.

"Do you want to stay here? We have a nice guest room?" He was sure that she was going to decline his offer and that's why he was shocked to see her nodding slightly next to him. He couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face.

"Come on, I show you the room." he said getting up slowly, her hand slipped from his arm but he grabbed it between his pulling her up to him. He guided her up the stairs and into the guest room, turning on the light before letting her step into the room. She turned to him, letting his hand go and slightly smiling at him.

"You're alright here? If you want to talk some more-" he began.

"No, no. I really need to sleep. Maybe... maybe that will help a little bit." she mumbled.

"Okay." he answered. "Oh wait a second." he said. He came back a few seconds later with sweat pants and a t-shirt in his hand handing both of the clothing items to her. "Sleeping in jeans seems to be really uncomfortable." he explained.

She nodded. "Thank you."

"Good nigh." he said smiling.

"Good night." she answered. He turned around to walk into his bedroom.

"Rick?" she heard from behind him and turned around. Kate stood still in the door of the guest room, biting her lip like she always did when she was nervous.

"Thank you, for... everything." she said with a small smile.

"Always."

* * *

**AN: **What do you think?


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: **So sorry for the late update. I had huge trouble with this chapter, re-writing almost every part a few times until I was somewhat happy with the finished product. Anyway there are still a few more chapters to go. I know where I will go with this story, but not quite how much there is to come in between.

* * *

**Chapter 7. **

Letting her eyes flutter open confusion washed over her face.

Where was she? Oh, right.

Yesterday came back into her mind. Pulling the covers higher up her body she turned onto her stomach, hiding her face in the pillow. Even the pillow smelled like him, she thought. Or maybe it was just his t-shirt.

_His t-shirt. _

Nervousness started to build up in her. He picked her up, she cried in his arms, he let her sleep in his guest room, she wore his clothes. That was a lot for one day. Too much, too much for her to bear. The thought of just creeping out of the loft crossed her mind, pretending like none of this ever happened. It was sure going to make it easier.

But not better. And she was here to make it better. He took her here to make it better.

Last night she couldn't fall asleep right away. For about two hours she lay still on her back starring at the ceiling. Her thoughts wandering from her mother, to him, to her father, to him and back to her mother. Thinking back she pulled the covers completely over her head, blocking out all the light that came through the window.

/

_She threw the covers away from her body. It was warm and she was getting thirsty. When did she last have a glass of water? She wasn't sure and got up. The t-shirt that rode up her body fell down mid-tight. She was not wearing the sweatpants he gave her. It was summer and far too warm and the shirt covered enough already. _

_Tiptoeing out of the room and down the floor she still was not sure why she said yes to stay here tonight. Maybe because for once she wanted to feel home again. For once she wanted to get up in the morning and smell coffee when she came into the kitchen and not scotch. _

_Walking down the stairs she saw a light burning in the kitchen. _

_Maybe for once she wanted to get up in the middle of the night to get some water and someone was there. He stood with his back to her digging through the freezer. She couldn't help the smile from forming on her lips. _

"_Why are you up?" she asked making his head shoot up and turn around in return. A spoon was dangling from his lips, a box of chocolate ice cream in his hand. The laugh left her mouth before she could stop it. _

"_Night time is ice time." he said with a smile on his lips holding the box out to her. "You want some?"_

_She shook her head, no. "Why are you up?" he asked. Shrugging her shoulders she leaned against the counter. _

"_Couldn't sleep. I wanted to get some water." she mumbled. Nodding he put the box on the counter and went to grab a glass out of the cupboard to fill it with water for her. She felt his eyes on her body, wandering from her head over her arms, her torso to her bare tights. _

"_Thanks" she said as she took the glass from him taking a long sip. _

"_You're alright?" he asked stepping closer. Looking down she shook her head, taking a deep breath. _

"_I can't seem to turn off my head. It's wandering everywhere." she explained placing the glass on the counter behind her. _

_He sighed. "I just wish I could re-write your story. Give you the answers you're looking for." Grabbing her hand he squeezed her fingers. _

"_You're already doing more than enough." she said slipping her fingers in the spaces between his, pressing their palms together. "My life is not easy, but having you around makes it a little more fun." Looking up she locked eyes with him. Why did they have to be that blue? And why was her heart beating so fast and why couldn't she stop thinking about just leaning in to kiss him? Those eyes. _

"_You know, I'm actually shocked you haven't made a comment about me wearing your clothes." she said in a hoarse voice, biting her lips. His lips pulled up into a smirk. That smile. _

"_Maybe I'm just speechless." he said. Did be move closer again? _

"_Speechless? Doesn't really sound like you." He just shrugged and rested his other hand on the counter behind her. She was now trapped between his body and the counter; his chest almost touching hers. She bit her lip._

"_You're always doing that when you're nervous." he said, she raised an eyebrow at him. "Biting your lip. It's adorable." _

_She felt herself blushing, letting her lip go. He lifted his hand from the counter and slowly brought it up to her face. She felt like she could not breathe. Gently touching her cheek he moved his thumb over her lower lip. The exact same spot where moments ago her teeth were. His fingers were softer than she expected and she couldn't help wondering how his lips would feel on hers. _

_Closing her eyes she tried to let that moment sink in. Richard Castle, his loft, crying, his t-shirt, about to kiss. Opening her eyes he was incredibly close. He was hesitating, she felt it. Not going the last step, waiting for her to take the last step, giving him an okay. _

_His chest slightly brushed hers. She could feel just the illusion of what was underneath his shirt. His blue eyes starring into hers and his breath on her lips, fingers drawing soft circles over her cheek. She never expected wanting to kiss someone that bad. But she did. Since the moment they met. On day 103, 80 days ago. _

_Her fingers were slightly shaking as she reached out her free hand, laying it on his hips, feeling the warmth of his skin leaking through the fabric into her body. Just slightly tugging she pulled him closer._

_/_

Turning the pancakes he kept an eye on the coffee, glancing up the stairs every few moments. At least she was still there. He cracked her door open this morning to look inside, afraid that she ran away. But she didn't. She slept peacefully on her back, head turned to the side, lips slightly parted.

Shaking his head he poured the batter for another chocolate chip pancake in the pan. Last night was... he didn't expect his day to end like hat. He didn't intend to end it like that as he picked her up at home.

But he did not regret. Not one single bit, he wanted to do that since the day they met. For a moment he leaned back against the counter. _That _counter.

/

_She tasted like cherries. _

_Her lips were soft as they moved over his. Both her hands came up around his neck, running her fingers through his hair. One hand on her cheek, his arm sneaked around her waist trying to pull her as close into him as possible. _

_Their noses touched as he titled his head sideways to feel more of her. He felt her raising on tiptoes against him to be more even with him. Slightly parting his mouth he let his tongue gently run over her lips, tasting her. _

_Opening up her mouth to him in return his tongue touched hers. Feeling her heart beat quicken against his chest. It was absolutely silent in the loft, the only sound coming from their lips and tongues touching and their breaths getting heavier. _

_Grazing her lower lip with his teeth a small moan escaped her throat making him pulling her even closer. Her lower body bumped slightly into his in return. _

_Separating to breathe their noses and foreheads touched. Opening their eyes they looked at each other. He let his mouth touch hers one, two, three times in small kisses, keeping his eyes on her. _

_He wanted to say something, anything, but he was afraid of ruining the moment. Making them slip back into reality. Something that he was not ready for, yet. Or ever. _

_But she slightly pulled away, her arms still around him, creating a little more space between them. _

_He needed to break the silence._

"_That certainly was better than the ice cream." A chuckle escaped her mouth. _

"_Yeah" she answered and as so many times before her teeth sank down in the flesh of her soft lip._

"_I-" he started, brushing his thumb over her cheek. "I want you to know that I didn't plan this when I invited you over." He felt like he had to apologize for kissing her._

"_Are you sure about that?" she asked before smirking. "I know how you've been starring at me since we met?" _

"_I? You couldn't leave your eyes off of me." he teased. _

"_You annoyed the crap out of me when we met." she protested making him shake his head._

"_Did not." he leaned in again, closing his eyes, letting his lips graze hers for another moment. _

_She did not hesitate and leaned into the kiss. Pulling away a few moments later she leaned her forehead against his chest, arms around his middle he stroke her back with one hand and her head with the other. He gently kissed her hair, inhaling her scent. _

"_You're alright with... this?" he mumbled, slightly scared of her answer. "You need to know that I'm not just playing around with you. I mean...-" but she interrupted him._

"_Shhh!" she whispered against his chest. "I am. I am. But..." There it was. The_ but_. "... I need to go slow. I'd be lying if I said that this – wherever we're going – wouldn't scare me. I just need time to adjust." He felt her hugging him closer. _

_His face light up. "Your pace. Whatever you need, okay?" She nodded against his body. "And now... you have to sleep it's been a really long day." _

_And he was happy that she let him take her upstairs, let him kiss her again at the door, let him close the door after she entered the room._

_She was two rooms away from him that night but she felt closer than ever. _

_/_

Hearing footsteps on the stairs he looked up, a smile glowing on his face. Her hair was in a messy pony tail and she wore her jeans and the black tank top from when he picked her up. She also smiled and was she... blushing?

"Good morning." she said quietly.

"Morning, made you pancakes and coffee." he said filling two plates with pancakes and filling their cups with the black steaming liquid.

"That looks amazing." She looked around a little confused. "Where is everyone?"

"Mother took Alexis to the kindergarten hours ago and she is who knows where."

It was a little awkward between them, he couldn't deny that but the wide grin on his face just could not be removed. Especially not as she moved closer and climbed on the bar chair next to him.

"How are you feeling today?" he asked her and she nodded, coffee filled mouth.

"A lot better. I'm still... I don't really know how I feel. But better." she smiled somewhat shyly at him.

"That's good." he stated laying his hand on top of hers. Turning to him she smiled. God, that smile.

He leaned closer touching his cheek to her cheek, lips close to her ear, whispering.

"Can I kiss you?"

He saw that she tried to hide the smile but failed. Turning her face she touched her lips to his. She tasted like coffee and freshly brushed teeth. He could survive only off her taste. Her hand running up his chest holding onto his neck she ran her tongue over his lips. He willingly allowed her entrance, deepening the kiss.

Pulling apart to breathe they smiled. "Well that is a good morning." he said and she bit her lip before turning back to her breakfast, eating in silence.

/

"What are you up to, today?" he asked her after they finished their breakfast. She leaned against the counter and watched him as he cleaned the kitchen. He refused to let her help him.

She looked down. Last night was great and this morning was great. She told him she needed time and she was honest about that. She wanted nothing more than to spend the day with him, kissing him, feeling him next to her, just being with him.

But right now there were a lot of things she had to sort out and while she wanted to be alone with him right now she needed to take care of something.

"I" she mumbled, closing her eyes. "I can't today."

"Okay?" he said questioningly, throwing the towel over a chair and moving closer to her. Looking up at him she knew that he thought. That she was running away, that he did something to scare her away. And while she was freaked out at the thought of what was going to happen between them – he became her rock and thinking about loosing him... no, she wasn't going that far – that was not the reason she had to go.

"I need to go home, talk to my dad-" reaching out she took his hand in hers. "Maybe I can finally start talking some sense into him. I don't know. I just... I can't do it that way any longer." Looking up she hoped he would understand.

He squeezed her hand a little tighter. "Of course." he mumbled. "Just call if you need me, I'd be happy to have you over again. And Alexis would be, too."

"I will" she said leaning into him, letting him embrace her.

* * *

**AN:** What do you think?


	8. Chapter 8

**Authors Note: **Hello! Before you read the new chapter I want to take a moment to say thank you. You have really no idea what it means to me that you're reading my story. I have more than 100 followers on that story and never had a story of mine that many reviews. It just makes me unbelievably happy to see that you like what I write.

* * *

**Chapter 8. **

Turning the lock with her key she waited a moment before pushing the door open. She has not seen her father since he drunkenly yelled at her yesterday morning. Not knowing how or if she would find him she stepped into their apartment.

He could be drunk, passed out or not even home. She hoped that since it was still before noon that he was in a somewhat sober state; or as sober as possible lately. Running a hand over her face she first checked the living room. Empty.

Thinking he probably wasn't home she went into the kitchen; usually he spend the day on the couch, watching TV, emptying bottles.

Such a difference from how it used to be, she thought. Back in the day when he took her to baseball games and taught her how to ride the bike. Back in the day when she started to rebel against her parents, stay out all night, getting drunk and her father tried to scare away all boyfriends she might take home, making her want to stay with those guys even more. It felt like a lifetime but she was still 19 and back in the day was 183 days ago.

She remembered one event especially. She was 17 and really in love with that guy named Tim. Maybe the only times that she had been in love and not just dated the guy because he was fun and annoyed her parents. But still; he was everything her parents disliked. Then, one night she came home crying after sneaking out. He broke up with her after almost one year, because he met another girl. Just like that. One day everything was perfect and then he just said it was over. Giving her a hug like it was no big deal, smiling and saying '_But hey, we'll stay friends Becks.'._

It was at least 3am and she tried to be quiet walking up in her room. But when she passed her parents bedroom the lights had been on and the door wide open. She had been busted. They both looked at her. She thought they would be furious but instead they gave her their _'Katherine Houghton Beckett, we're really disappointed of you' _look. That look was so much worse.

They wanted her to explain what she did at such a time in a school week. Opening her mouth she could just sob and started crying saying that she was sorry. This usually wasn't like her and her parents were really worried until she told them about Tim. That night her mother crawled into her bed and stroke her hair until she fell asleep while her father made her tea and brought her ice cream telling her all the reasons why he loved her.

She got grounded for her actions the next morning but it was okay. She promised to be a better daughter. And while she still met guys her parents didn't like and sneaked out with her friends to party she at least only did it on weekends, spend a little more time with her family and that's when she decided she wanted to become a lawyer, just like them.

That wasn't two years ago – that was an eternity. Or never happened at all.

He sat at the kitchen table when she entered the room. Head slumped forward, a plate with a dry piece of toast in front of him. Sighing she shook her head and went over to the fridge to get some eggs and butter. He didn't even seem to notice her.

Heating a pan she prepared the coffee, making scrambled eggs. He looked up when she took his plate, spread the toast with butter and put some eggs on the side before giving it back to him, along with a cup of coffee.

"I'd like something stronger." he said, sleep deep in his voice. He probably just got up.

"I know." she said sitting down on the other side. "But we need to talk."

Holding the eye contact for not even a second he motioned to get up. "Let me just-"

"No!" she demanded, holding up her hand. When did she become the responsible one? "Just eat your toast and drink your coffee and listen to me for once."

Looking down he took a bite. She didn't know why she was suddenly that pissed; it was a good sign that he sat there and at least looked like was paying attention to her.

"Dad, you can't keep doing that." she started, the honesty evident in her voice.

"Doing what?" he asked.

"Ruining your life like that!" Did he really not know what she was talking about? "Since-" _Then. 183 days ago. That night we don't ever fucking talk about. _"-Mom died. I let you do that for a while. I thought you needed time to cope. I understood. But dad-"

She went from being mad to sad and afraid. The tears burned in her eyes and she thought she cried everything she had yesterday. Reaching out she took his hand in hers. When was the last time she held his hand?

173 days ago. After the funeral. When they drove to the beach, trying to escape their friends and family because everything was getting too much.

"It can't go on like this." Her voice was down to a whisper when he finally looked up meeting her eyes. The lump in her throat grew bigger. Never had she seen her father this hurt. "I'm grieving, too. And more than anything I need my father." A tear ran down her cheek and she noticed the tears in her fathers eyes.

"I don't even know what's going on in your life anymore." he finally confessed, squeezing her hand and she nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Katie."

Standing up she hugged her father close to her body, inhaling his unique scent that always calmed her down when a nightmare woke her up in the middle of the night. "Will you please try to get better?" she mumbled and felt him nodding against her body.

She went into her room afterward. He told her he needed some time alone, clearing his mind. She wanted to take a shower, lay down in her bed and look at pictures from a happier time. Gazing at the book on her nightstand she ran her fingers over the cover.

_Richard Castle – Storm Front _

Her lips pulled up into a small smile and her heart started to beat faster, thinking about the previous night.

Why him?

Why her?

Why now?

What scared her the most was not knowing that she was slowly but surely falling in love with him. What scared her was the fact that a part of her was ready to for that fall. A part of her she didn't know before.

/

For once he was actually writing. His publisher called and threatened him that if he would not finish the manuscript for his new book by next week he was _in big trouble_. Lucky for him he only had one chapter more to go, he just needed to sit down and write.

And with Alexis in kindergarten and his mother out in the city he had no excuses. And the sooner he started the sooner he finished and he could spend his time thinking about Kate and the way his t-shirt smelled like her as he found it in his guest room that morning.

That girl was really messing with his mind and he couldn't remember the last time he felt like that for a girl. She was just so much different from everyone else he has dated over the last few years. _Dated. _They weren't dating... yet.

But whatever they were, it felt good. Right.

A knock on his door interrupted him. _Here goes the day writing, _he thought annoyed and got up. Mostly when he stopped once, he wouldn't be getting back into writing for the day.

Thinking about who could it be to come here right now he opened the door. He was faced with the girl who had been crossing his mind all morning – or more like the last few months.

"Kate." he stated. "What are you doing here?"

Looking at her hands for a moment she found his eyes and he saw the inner battle she was fighting. "I didn't really know where else to go." she mumbled and he put his hand on her back, gesturing her to come in, closing the door behind her.

"Of course you can come here." he said, concern leaking through his voice. This morning while they were having breakfast she sounded good, like there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel for her. Maybe her plans didn't work out as well as she wanted to.

"What happened?" he asked as he guided her to the couch, making her sit down with him, pulling her closer, holding her left hand between his. She just shrugged her shoulders, letting her head fall against his neck. He was shocked that she acted on seeking out the physical contact. Just 24 hours ago she wouldn't have done that.

"Can't you be making a joke or anything?" she questioned.

"I'm having a hard time coming up with something funny when I see you like that." he confessed honestly.

"Then don't say anything, please." And he didn't. He just put his arm over her shoulder, holding her close, while her breath warmed his neck. Her free right hand reaching out, laying down on the fabric of his jeans, running soft circles with her thumb over his tight.

What happened, he wondered while she seemed to be locked up in her own world.

She had been gone for a total of three hours. Three hours and she turned up devastated at his front door.

"It it about your father?" He felt her tense beneath him; she went home to talk to her father and now she was here again – in almost the exact same state as last night.

"I said I don't want to talk." she mumbled and he sensed that she was upset. But still, he needed to know or he wasn't able to help.

"Kate-" be began but she moved out of his touch, looking at him, face in a hard facade.

"What do you want me to say, Rick? That he promised me he'd get better? Or that I actually believed him? That for the first time I felt like I'd get my father back and then just an hour later I heard a shuffling in the kitchen? Or that I went down and he just poured himself a scotch, saying he was sorry? Or do you want to know that I threw that glass through the kitchen and told him it wasn't working that way?"

She was yelling but he knew that she was about to cry. The way her knuckles turned white as she pressed her nails into the palms of her hands, her lips closed into a thin line, liquid building up behind her eyes.

That's when he saw it; the white bandage on her wrist – mostly hidden by her sleeved shirt – slightly ripped like it was attached carelessly.

"What happened?" he asked as he pulled up the shirt, inspecting her arm.

"I cut my arm on that glass." she said trying to pull away from him but he grabbed her hand a little tighter. "It's not deep." she mumbled.

"I'm still taking care of that. Stay here." Getting up he walked into the bathroom.

Coming back a few minutes later he put a warm washcloth, some antiseptic agent and a new bandage on the table and sat back down on the couch. Gently taking arm again he removed the bandage she made herself and cleaned the wound.

"I'm glad that it's really not that deep. But I would still keep an eye on that, wouldn't want an infection." He moved his fingers lightly over her arm until she looked up at him. A slight smile playing on her lips.

"Thanks," she said.

"You're welcome."

/

She was grateful that she had him to go to, she really was. It was just hard for her to show the need for help and she felt guilty for yelling at him, especially after he took such a good care of her.

Leaning forward she put her arms around his neck, leaning her cheek against his, breathing in his scent. Thankfully he was mimicking her actions, pulling her closer into the embrace.

"I'm sorry for getting mad." she mumbled, hoping that it was enough of an apologize.

"You have every right to be...," he said. Why was he such an understanding person? "... just remember, that I just want to help you." She nodded against his head, letting her lips trail over the crook of his neck for a moment as his hands ran circles over her back, calming her down.

"How about you stay here today, and tonight if you want to? We could just stay like this for a while, pick Alexis up later, take her to the playground for a while, make dinner, and I try my best to distract you."

She thought about his offer for a while. Distraction seemed like a good idea. She knew she had to come home, face her father and deal with her problems but right now distraction was what she needed.

"Okay." she said, and she felt his lips, pressing a kiss to her temple.

* * *

**Authors Note: **What do you think? :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Authors Note: **Hello, first of all I'm sorry for this kinda late update. I want to thank you for the nice reviews on my last chapter. Each and every makes me super happy.

This is the last chapter of the story. I actually planned a few more chapters but while I was writing this one it suddenly started to feel like the end of the story. For some reason it felt right to just end it right here. I was pretty surprised about myself.

I hope you enjoy the last chapter. I loved writing that story and I have already a few new things in mind!

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**Chapter 9. **

One morning when he woke up he knew that it was more than attraction, more than the simple longing of wanting to know her, to be with her.

It was a Saturday and Kate spend the night. It was two weeks since they've first kissed; the third time that she stayed over night. That night they talked and kissed until two in the morning. They simply enjoyed the presence of the other soul next to their own. And when they were too tired to talk or to kiss they still weren't ready to be apart.

"I want to stay with you tonight," she had said, her voice not more than a whisper, hand reaching for his. The nervousness evident on her face.

He took her hand and she stayed.

Walking a step behind him he still embraced her hand tightly in his. He helped her crawl under the blanket, laying down next to her, pulling her into his arms. He remembered her warm breath against his neck, her fingers drawing soft circles on his chest, his own hand holding onto her hip.

He heard her mumble, "For some reason I'm nervous," against his skin, sending a shiver down his spine. Knowing her eyes were close and she was on the verge of falling asleep he kissed the skin over her eyebrow.

"We're just sleeping, Kate," he answered, wanting to make her understand that he didn't intend anything when he took her into his room; he was going to move at her pace.

"I know, and it's stupid," the words echoed in the room and the exhaustion within him slowly disappeared.

Stroking a hand through her hair he took a deep breath before saying, "You're feelings aren't stupid – it's a big step."

"Just hold me tonight and be there when I wake up tomorrow," she said before silence took them over. He wondered why she would ask that of him; he would not go anywhere. Her tired talking was more than just that. It was a reflection of her fears, the knowledge that sometimes when you open your eyes your life could be completely different from when you first closed them moments ago.

"I'm not going anywhere," he had promised and pressed her a little closer into his body.

But when he woke up the following morning it was not his bedside that had been empty – it had been hers. His fingers had tangled over the cold space next to him.

She run, that was his first thought. It was all getting to much and she build those walls he had been constantly trying to break down a little higher. Letting someone – him – in was something she was not able to.

A solid lump formed in his throat, making him gulp. But maybe he was wrong, there could be all kinds of reasons for her to leave his side; an emergency, thirst, hunger, her father or the human need of using the toilet.

Truth be told, he didn't know. That is why he got up, crossed his room and slowly opened the door.

Walking through the loft he hopefully expected her to sit on a chair in the kitchen aisle; coffee in her hand, smiling at him.

The kitchen was cold an empty.

That's when he heard it. His daughters giggles coming out of her room. His eyebrows ached in confusion as he went back up the stairs. Standing in front of the door he could hear them; Alexis and Kate laughing.

Cracking the door the smallest way open he peered inside. Her – Kate's – back was facing him and neither of them seemed to notice him. Too caught up in their game; each of them holding a barbie doll in their hands. The plastic princesses deep in a conversation about how pretty their dresses were.

And that was the moment he knew. Knew that all of this was so much more. Not because she was beautiful, extraordinary, strong, challenging or a mystery. No, it was more because he trusted her with his daughter.

And more so; seeing them together was easily one of the most perfect moments he ever experienced.

"Daddy!" the now five year old exclaimed after noticing him standing in the doorway. Getting up she ran over, letting him lift her into the air easily, kissing his cheek.

"Good morning. What are my favourite girls doing that early?" he asked running a hand over his daughters braided hair. Glancing over at Kate she still sat on the floor, holding the doll between her fingers, smiling at him.

"Kate made my hair. Look daddy," she grabbed her braid and smiled brightly at him. With excitement in her voice she continued, "And then we played princesses. She knows so much more about dresses than you do. And guess what, Daddy? She said she's bringing some of her old Barbie Dolls next time. Isn't that great?" Alexis couldn't stop talking and he couldn't stop the pride welling up in his watching his – girlfriend – smiling happily at him.

She didn't run.

She did the opposite.

"Daddy, I'm hungry," Alexis suddenly realized. "Can we eat pancakes?"

Letting her down he brushed her hair once more. "Of course. Will you be a big girl and get out the eggs and the milk? I'll be with you in a minute," and with that the little girl happily ran off, bouncing her red pigtails.

Slowly crawling off the ground Kate walked toward him. He couldn't help starring in awe. Moving closer she leaned in and pressed her lips against his.

"Good morning," she mumbled and he sneaked his arms around her waist pulling her closer. Her face was bright and he has never seen her this carefree.

"Good morning," pressing his lips to hers once more before continuing, "Someone seems to be in a really good mood today."

Biting down on her lower lip she blushed slightly. "Well, someone has a really great daughter. Who wouldn't be happy around her?"

"There you're certainly right," he whispered before dropping his head to her neck, placing a few kisses on her soft skin. She inhaled sharply against him, her fingers tightening on his hips, making him smile in return. He loved having such an effect on her.

Lightly, his fingers trailed under the hem of her tank top, palm brushing against the skin of her stomach.

"Daddy!" Alexis yelled from downstairs, his head shooting up in return. Kate giggled at him and he could just imagine his own expression right now.

"Come on daddy, make some pancakes," she pouted at him dragging him with her. Did she really just-?

"Daddy? Don't make me sound so old," he whined, only earning another laugh of her.

"But you-," she started but he simply put a hand over her mouth from behind, planting another kiss on her shoulder.

"Don't say it," he said seriously, but his half laugh giving him away.

"Are," she said quickly after he released her mouth storming down the stairs into the kitchen where Alexis was already waiting for them.

/

The day had been everything she wanted and more. After their breakfast they spend the day at the museum and watching Rick and Alexis making up story after story about the dinosaurs had been a bliss. There wasn't a minute she hasn't been smiling that day.

And when he asked her to spend another night she had said yes. Things at home were still pretty... rough and she was glad for every moment she was out of the house. Her father tried. She knew that but for some reason it wasn't enough. He went back to work and he was functioning but he was still drinking. Day after day.

Shaking that thought out of her head she watched Rick walking down the stairs moving toward her half sitting, half lying position on the sofa. He just tugged a really exhausted Alexis in.

Smiling he sat down, pulling her legs into his lag, massaging her calves.

"You excited for Monday?" he asked her.

"Yeah, I mean, I'm excited. It somehow feels like I'm finally going in the right direction since. You know. I still feel like I'm betraying her most of the time but I know it's just my head playing tricks," she said honestly. That's what she adored most about him. Her ability to speak her mind, her heart. And not feeling judged.

"She would be proud of you," he simply said.

On Monday she was starting a job. Just a part time Job at a small coffee shop but right now it was a big step. Even bigger considering the fact that in fall she would start taking courses at NYU. She wasn't sure where she would go in her life – a lawyer was all she ever thought she would be – but right now that was enough. After 197 days she finally felt like something was enough. She was enough.

She had some ideas but right now they were just imagination in her head not ready to be put out into the world. Right now, she just wanted to enjoy the evening with her boyfriend.

Boyfriend. Richard Castle. The author. But getting to know him she learned that behind Richard Edgar Castle was a big part of Richard Alexander Rogers.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked; she hadn't realized that she was lost in her own world again.

"Just that I'm glad you were such an annoying person that night in April," she couldn't help the smirk forming on her lips.

Opening his mouth he acted to be shocked, "Katherine, I would never, ever annoy anyone."

The laugh escaped her throat easily. It was happening more often these days. But growing serious she pulled her legs from his lap, sitting up. Facing him she placed one hand on his cheek, taking a deep breath.

"But really, thank you for saving me," leaning in she wanted to kiss him but he slightly moved out of her direction. Frowning she starred at him. What did she do wrong?

"As much as I'd like to take the price for this, you did this yourself. I might have been here but when it comes down to this, you're the one that pulled you out of your hole," he whispered, his own hand reaching out for her face.

That man, that handsome, caring, funny man. How did she deserve him?

"And I'm proud of you," he finished, making her blush in return.

Breathing in the courage she leaned in, mouth close to his ear, "Then take me to that bedroom of yours and show me how proud you are."

It was a big step and she closed her eyes after confessing what she wanted tonight. What if he turned her down? Saying she was too young and he felt uncomfortable. Maybe-

"Kate you sure?" he asked, making her look into his eyes.

Sure? About what?

Her life? No.

Her future? No.

Their future? No.

About wanting to be with him right now? Yes.

"Yes," she simply answered to to proof him that she indeed was serious she stood up holding her hand out for him to grab, "I finally want to live."

He accepted her offer, taking her into his bedroom, slowly closing the door behind them.

94 days ago she never would have thought that a horrible night with friend would turn into something like this.

She met him on day 103.

And as she stood in front of that mirror getting ready for a night out she never expected that day to be any different from day one to 102.

But it was.

103 was when it all started.

And now on day 197 she was excited for the future because she was slowly starting to accept her past.

**THE END **

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**Authors Note: **What do you think?


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